Darkest Before Dawn
by bioticblackops
Summary: Life after Alchera took a very different turn for Kaidan Alenko, one that never led him to Horizon but into the depths of Cerberus instead. Returning from the dead Shepard doesn't only find herself in the belly of the beast but realizes that it has its claws deep in her former lover too. ME2 AU, Shenko.
1. Chapter 1

**Before**

"What about Alenko? Fits the profile perfectly. Powerful biotic, L2. One of the few sane ones left. Killed a turian when he was 17."

"And worked with another while serving on the Normandy. He's liberal concerning alien politics and the Alliance's poster boy. We've already been over this."

"Sources say he isn't too hot on the Alliance right now. Unhappy about the smear campaign against Shepard and put on forced leave for becoming too unstable. He'd be perfect for the program. Sane L2s are hard to get by."

"You just want to see if you can break him. Well, if you're so insistent about it, go for it. If you can get Alenko, he's all yours."

"If the rumors about Lazarus are true the boss might already have thought about Alenko himself."

"Well then hope he came to the same conclusion as you or we have to deal with the other one."

"You deal with the boss, I deal with Alenko."

"Who comes out alive wins?"

"Something like that." 

**Kaidan - then**

The glass was empty. Not in a metaphorical sense but in a very real one, and he could not remember when that had happened. Or the one before. His throat was still burning from the liquid so at least he could be sure it was him who'd emptied it. Not that anybody was close; all the other patrons stayed clear of him and even the strippers had given up after some time. Only the batarian bartender paid him a visit every once in a while to refill his glass. He didn't bother asking if he wanted more, just one look at his customer apparently told him everything he needed to know and to keep the whiskey flowing. It wasn't particularly good whiskey but probably better than most of the other things that could be found behind the bar. The name Afterlife had to come from somewhere and for Kaidan it hit uncomfortably close to home.

Not going there, Alenko, he thought, watching the batarian fill his glass again. He hadn't even noticed the bartender coming closer. Losing his sense of what was going on around him was always a stupid idea but on Omega it became a particularly stupid idea, not to mention a dangerous one.

Under normal circumstances he hadn't even think about touching alcohol on duty but the circumstances had long stopped being normal. Somewhere between first setting foot on the Normandy and being forcefully ordered to leave the ship while it fell to pieces around them.

Kaidan closed his eyes, breathing in the faint smoky smell of the liquid before swallowing it whole. The whiskey burned all the way down, rougher than before. Maybe the batarian was getting annoyed with him, giving him ryncol instead of his own poison of choice. At this point he wasn't sure he cared. He'd have to stop soon to give his biotic metabolism a chance to kick in or he would most likely wake up on the floor tomorrow and, if he was very lucky, only sporting a hangover instead of some new scars for his growing collection. Bar fights had lost their charm after he started not remembering them anymore. He wondered what she would think of that new trait. He could almost see her raising one eyebrow while silently staring at him as if she could see beneath the skin, deep down to his bones without any secrets left.

"Commander Alenko?"

Commander. Even after a few weeks of being called by his new title it still felt wrong, like something only she should be called. It was something he still needed to get used to. Or maybe not. After all, that was why he was here, wasn't he?

He opened his eyes but didn't look at the newcomer. Instead he raised his glass, trying to catch the eye of the batarian bartender. He didn't ask who wanted to know, partly because he was beyond caring and partly because he already knew. If someone on this station was aware of his name, they were most likely either Aria T'loak or his contact. Since the queen herself sat in her booth, shooting him dark glances from time to time, the person next to him would be the latter.

"You are too early," Kaidan said with much less of a slur than he'd expected.

"We were told you were already here. What would be the point in waiting another few hours?"

The point was most likely to catch him off guard by showing up hours before their actual appointment, making him less of a threat.

Since Kaidan didn't answer, the other kept talking. His voice was deep and held a hint of excitement.

"We would like to talk about a proposition with you. Somewhere more quiet."

I bet you would, Kaidan thought, his eyes glued on the liquid the bartender filled in his glass.

"Deal was you'd show up tomorrow and alone."

In the corner of his eye he saw the figure shift as if surprised Kaidan knew about the others. Of course he knew about the others. He might have trouble seeing straight right now but that didn't make him blind. Or at least it didn't make his biotics blind which were still able to sense the other two biotic signatures behind him, quietly humming.

Glass hovering over his lips, his eyes wandered to Aria T'loak, who observed the scene with only mild interest. Briefly Kaidan wondered what she made of this. As long as she couldn't sell or use the information somehow, she probably didn't care. Too bad that this kind of information was always worth something to someone. Noticing him staring, Aria gave him the tiniest of nods. He raised his glass to her before leaning his head back and emptying it. It was probably the last one he'd get in quite a while. Maybe he should've savored it.

"The circumstances changed, Mr. Alenko, as you are well aware. The information I have for you is far too delicate for this kind of ... establishment."

The disgust in the mans voice was obvious and Kaidan couldn't help from clenching his teeth. For one second he questioned whether dealing with this scum really was the right thing to do or just cutting corners. She always called him her moral compass but right now he could need one of his own. Wondering what she would have done would probably get him killed. It got her killed in the end.

"'s you can see 'm not really in the shape of actually talking to you. So if you could jus' come back tomorrow, 'd greatly 'preciate it," he slurred, butchering the last words more for effect than being actually drunk. Or at least he was pretty sure he was.

"Mr. Alenko -"

"Commander."

"Commander Alenko, the time is running out and the information I have for you will be worth your time, I can assure you. Now if you'd please come with me ..."

The question what would happen if he didn't died on his lips when he felt something sharp boring into his neck, followed by a burning pain that made the world swim only a second later and much more violently than the whiskey-maybe-ryncol had. Before his face made the acquaintance of the sticky bar, strong arms pulled him back and on his feet, which balantly refused to support him any longer. He found himself sandwiched between two solid figures whose faces swam too much to make out. He felt their biotics crawl over his skin like ants, itching and biting instead of a calm and solid flow. They felt all wrong.

The man stepped in his blurred line of sight, nothing but a black and white shadow in front of too bright neon pink lights that made his eyeshurt. His contact tipped his chin up, looking him briefly in the eyes. The sudden movement made Kaidan's head spin even more, his vision betrying him before the cold fingers vanished and his chin sank on his chest.

The last thing Kaidan saw before blacking out was the treacherous orange symbol on the cufflinks of his treacherous contact that would haunt his dreams for years to come.


	2. Chapter 2

**Joker - now**

Joker wasn't the most patient person on normal days but today his patience was wearing especially thin. Shepard had been standing behind him for twenty minutes now without saying a word. She just kept looking out of the window in front of them. Armored arms crossed, hair in a bun, eyes cool and observing, although not always focussed as far as he could tell from her reflection.

He had tried to fill the silence with his own chatter but after a while it became perfectly clear that she had little interest in answering. It wasn't unusal that she was quiet but today the silence seemed heavier than most days. And it drove him crazy.

So much in fact that he even toyed with the idea of talking to her about the big, fat elephant in the room that was still standing between them. It had been weeks since they'd first met again but until now he hadn't been able to work up the nerve to say what needed to be said. He'd tried looking for an apology card but there were surprisingly little "I'm sorry I got you killed" cards out there. Then again, most people were not Commander Shepard and they usually stayed dead.

But even if he were able to be brave enough to say something, he hardly got to see her alone long enough to even open his mouth without worrying someone might be witness to the pitiful monologue he had already mapped out in his mind. They never were alone, not ever. Not on this ship. Even though he already loved the SR2 after a few weeks with her beautiful drive core and comfortable leather seats, he knew that she came with a catch. The catch in this case was an annoying blue orb, hovering next to him like the creepy, stalking Cerberus-AI nightmare it was, ready to report back every word they uttered. So for now he kept his mouth shut and pretended, hard, that everything was alright.

While stealing a glance over his shoulder Joker saw that Shepard's eyes were glued to the space station they were approaching, probably already thinking about the mission and the package they were about to pick up.

"Who the hell needs something picked up on a prison in space anyway," he mumbled while checking the readings before him again, fingers flying over the holo displays. "This is like the shittiest place to store something valuable."

"Or the best," a voice behind him remarked that was definitly not Shepard's. Scratched blue armor came into view. Garrus' eyes were probably on the readings but Joker pushed back that particular annoyance being only too happy someone in the cockpit finally talked to him.

"Yeah, well, forgive me if I don't plan on storing my valuables in a high security prison anytime soon."

"You have valuables?"

"Sure, I have."

"Your porn collection doesn't count."

Joker smirked, opening his mouth with the perfect retort.

"Mr Moreau stores his explicit images on -"

Wonderful. Pun-blocked by the AI again. "Shut up, EDI."

"Very well," the AI said with a tone that might sound sulky if it would come from a human female.

Like one sulking female on this ship isn't bad enough already, he thought, instantly feeling guilty. The female in question was standing behind him next to Garrus, still staring straight ahead. The look on her face showed that she was somewhere else entirely. Where he could only guess.

The last mission a few days ago had been anything but easy if he could believe the people on her ground team. The salarian scientist kept chattering about how fascinating it all was while Garrus was less impressed and more worried by what they had experienced.

On a scale from holy shit to FUBAR Horizon probably reached the same level of fucked up as Eden Prime once did with the tiny difference that nobody died this time. Well, nobody on their team anyway, not counting the civilians in the colony. No matter what Garrus had told him about the stasis pods they had found, Joker had a hard time picturing the collectors taking the colonists with them and actually leaving them alive. Well, he hoped they did but hope was a flimsy thing, not strong enough to bear any weight.

"ETA seven minutes, Commander," EDI supplied helpfully as if anybody had asked. He rolled his eyes. In the corner of his eye he saw Shepard nod and turn around, heading for the armory.

"Airlock in five, Garrus," she said before marching off.

Garrus' eyes followed her as well as Joker's.

"Wow, it's a miracle the windows don't freeze with her nearby," Joker said before turning around.

"The windows -"

"Shut up, EDI."

The blue orb hovered for another second before vanishing without a word. Great, now he had pissed off the AI. Well, that wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass later.

"She probably needs time," Garrus supplied but his mandibles betrayed him.

She probably needs Kaidan, Joker thought more bitter than he'd expected but for once he didn't open his big mouth to give his thoughts a voice. Instead he said: "Or someone to talk to."

With a sigh Garrus crossed his arms, talons of this left tapping on his right arm. "So she doesn't talk to you either?"

Joker snorted. "Of course she doesn't. If anybody had told me on the SR1 that there would be a point at which she talked even less, I'd have laughed."

Another sigh from Garrus. "If would be much easier if Alenko was here. She always talked to him."

"Don't be so sure about that," Joker mumbled, remembering the last time he'd seen the freshly promoted Staff Commander during Shepard's funeral. He hadn't said a word to Joker but he didn't need to. His eyes said everything the pilot needed to know, everything Joker probably thought about himself and worse. It also confirmed his suspicion that there'd been more between the former Lieutenant and the Commander at least from Alenko's side. Nobody looked at someone who got their CO killed the way Kaidan had looked at him that day.

Kaidan had always refused to comment on even being friends with the Commander, hiding behind regs and the bullshit line "marines stick together". Not like Joker ever believed him. Still, gave him lots of munition to tease the biotic, especially after he developed a hilarious foot-in-mouth-problem whenever their CO was near.

"Have you heard anything about him at all?"

Joker snorted. "Yeah, because the Alliance loves to keep their ex-pilotes updated after they joined a terrorist organisation."

"Good point."

"Yeah, whatever. Last thing I heard was that he'd been promoted and put on leave but that was pretty much directly after ... well, you know."

Garrus' mandibles twitched again but he said nothing.

"He dropped off the radar after that. Haven't heard a word from him since."

"Special Ops?"

"Hell, if I know. I only fly the ship." He looked at Garrus and then back through the window. The station was drawing closer and it would only be a matter of minutes until docking. "Whaddaya think you're going to pick up?"

"Hell, if I know. I only shoot the bad guys."

"And people say turians don't have a sense of humor," Jacob commented while suddenly emerging next to Garrus.

"Who told you that?"

"Same person who told me that you took the stick out of your butt to now beat people to death with it."

Before either Joker or Garrus could react to that, Shepard returned from her trip to the armory, probably wearing more weapons than a small army even if most of them were hidden.

**"**Joker, docking protocol. Jacob, Garrus, with me."

With that she vanished in direction of the airlock. Joker and Garrus shared a last look while Jacob just tailed behind the Commander.

"Good hunting."

"It's only a simple pick up, Joker, not a planned fight against the geth."

"Yeah, like anything involving Shepard ever was that easy. Wherever that woman goes, explosions surely follow."

"I head that," came her reply over the comm. Joker smirked.

"Only speaking the truth, Commander."

"Just dock the ship, Joker."

"Aye-aye, ma'am. You kids have fun out there. Try not to blow the station up."


	3. Chapter 3

**Shepard - now**

The smoke made it hard too see. Either one of the shots had missed its target or the Blue Suns were now trying something different after noticing their standard procedure of "just shoot until they drop" wouldn't work. It was a good thing she'd just recently modded her M-92 Mantis to be able to manage in situations like this. It made killing treacherous bastards a lot easier.

"Joker is never going to believe it this isn't our fault," Garrus muttered between shots, having found his rhythm in an easy balance to hers. Even after two years they were almost instantly back in sync, working together like a well oiled machine. She'd heard Jacob mutter something along those lines but hadn't really been paying attention. Instead she concentrated on minimizing a new wave of mercs blocking their way.

"Technically it is our fault," Jacob weighed in, biotically pulling one of the turian guards off his feet to shoot them a second later. "If we hadn't refused capture this wouldn't have happened."

"And we would've been sold into slavery."

"I didn't say it hadn't any catch."

The Mantis flashed empty, making Shepard curse under her breath. She signaled Garrus to cover her before activating her Tactical Cloak and switching to the Carnifex. The smoke was slowly ceasing, making it easier for her to see while still obscuring the telltale shimmer of her cloak. The last guard was hiding behind a door frame, making it hard to get a clear shot from their position. While Garrus and Jacob were distracting him, Shepard managed to sneak up on the other side of the frame. As soon as she heard the revealing beep signaling he'd have to change the thermal clip she moved around the wall separating them. Before he could even think about reaching in his belt to do so, Shepard grabbed his helmet to hold his head still and pierce his throat with her omni-blade just one blink of an eye later. He went down as soon as she let go.

"Clear."

She could hear Jacob muttering "damn" before the body even hit the ground. It was the first mission she'd picked the Cerberus Operative for since their first meeting on the Lazarus Research Station. Despite the treacherous emblem on his armor he seemed like a decent man. A routine pickup seemed like the best way to get to know him a bit more. Especially since she had Garrus protecting her six. Too bad the routine part of the mission pretty much had gone to hell when they'd set foot on Purgatory.

"She always like this?"

"She only uses the omni-blade when she's out of thermal clips or in a really bad mood. So … yeah."

Shepard ignored her squad mates discussing her field tactics and moods for now. Instead she deactivated her cloak again, eyes already on the map on her omni-tool. Even with the ambush they still had a package to pick up. Cerberus or not, she wasn't leaving anything of value behind so that vulture of a warden could get his talons on it. Especially since some comments Kuril had made hinted that it could be sentient cargo. Considering where they were and who requested said cargo in the first place, the bad feeling she'd had from the start got worse by the minute.

"Cryo chamber is not too far away. We should be able to get there in three."

"Handy. They were probably planning to put you in stasis too, Shepard."

"Don't think I'm the only one they want, 'Archangel'."

Back flat against the wall, Shepard peered around the corner before signaling the path was clear. She doubted it would be this way for long. Maybe she should plan for alternative routes off the station, especially if they were about to pick up something, or someone, to bring back to the Normandy.

"Are you sure you still want to pick up that package for Cerberus?"

"Mission objective hasn't changed, Garrus."

"Yeah, but the circumstances did."

"When do they not?"

"Point taken."

It took them less than the anticipated three minutes to get to the control room for the cryochamber and only one more bullet between the eyes of a technician in their way. He'd been able to request backup so she guessed their initial exit route would soon be swarmed.

"Jacob, door."

"Aye, Commander."

With Garrus in tow she stepped to the control panel in front of a big glass window overseeing the cryochamber. Her fingers flew over the display, searching for a way around the security block while she was trying to make sense of the information the terminal presented. The technician had managed to shut down most of the programs and scramble the files, leaving her with very little to go on. All that was left were some medical details that told her too little but just enough. Her jaw clenched when she realized she'd been right with her first assessment. The package not only was a sentient being, it was human and as far as the readings went, they were alive. She'd have to have a long talk with the Illusive Man and his idea of mission details as soon as she was back on the Normandy.

The mandibles of her squadmate twitched after looking at the screen. He wasn't a technician but he realized what she was about to do when she opened the hacking program on her omni-tool.

"Shepard, if you hack that control, every door on this cellblock opens."

"Sounds like a perfect distraction. Be ready."

Garrus made the turian equivalent of a resigned sigh, something she was pretty sure he'd picked up from Kaidan whenever she did something truly batshit crazy but he had already made peace with that particular trait of her and instead of trying to talk her out of it, he just prepared for the worst. The thought made her lips twitch and her heart clench just a bit but she pushed it aside. She'd have enough time to deal with that particular ache later when they weren't being shot at or waiting to be shot at again.

As soon as her omni-tool signaled the hack was complete, a big mechanical arm in the cryochamber began moving as well as some mechs forming an armored wall between the stasis pod and the exit.

"What is in that thing that makes them need three mechs for security?" Garrus asked quietly. A question that had crossed her mind too.

"Not what, who." Shepard pressed a final button. "And we are going to find out in a minute."

The mechanical arm moved its claws to the ground to pull up the stasis pod their new guest of honor was currently in. All the while the mechs in the room turned in the same direction, powering up their weapons automatically. Oxygen was streaming from the pod into the chamber, creating a ghostly look, crawling over the ground like fine mist. The big machine pulled out what Shepard had thought a stasis pod but turned out to be a stretcher with a human man cuffed to it by his arms and neck. The bond over his throat kept his head up, making it easy to see his face, even if his features were almost hidden behind dirt, stubble and a final layer of thin frost. Unruly hair hung in his eyes but it made no difference. Even before Shepard's brain was able to put all the pieces together, her heart had already stopped beating for a few seconds that lasted a few lifetimes.

She heard Garrus whisper "spirits" but wasn't able to register anything but her own shock, her brain persuaded that her eyes were betraying them. It refused to acknowledge that what she saw was actually true. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be him.

As if being able to sense her thoughts, the way he always seemed to, the eyes of the man before her flew open, directly staring back at her and destroying every doubt in the progress. Not even the cold smoke of the cryochamber was able to dim the fire in the amber that were boring into her eyes now. And for the first time in a very long time Commander Shepard lost control when one single world fell from her lips: "Kaidan."


	4. Chapter 4

**Kaidan - now**

His first breath of air hurt, burning through his body like fire. The sudden warmth around him fought with the lingering cold, making his skin feel like ice cracking under weigh too heavy, breaking away from his body. The lights were too bright, every ray drilling into his already hurting brain, making it impossible to see anything. All he could make out were shadowy figures on a platform above and the three hulking machines that towered over him.

Kaidan had no idea where he was or how he'd gotten here, his last memories were blurry at best with a lingering sense of danger. All he could concentrate on was pain and the vague feeling of panic that was tightening his chest, making itself at home in his heart when he noticed that he couldn't move, not even collapse despite how much his legs were begging him to. Something was making it impossible to even move his head and his arms were tied next to him, rendering him helpless before his observers. In this moment it didn't matter where he was or how he got there. All he knew was that he needed to get away, that he couldn't do this all over again.

His biotics came to him in a rush, harsh and uncontrolled in a way he'd never let them be in any other situation. The mixture of fear and adrenaline spiked them even higher, helping him to almost effortlessly to rip his arms free from the shackles. In a frenzy his hands found their way to the collar keeping him in place, pressing against his throat and making it hard to breath. It took all his strength to pull it apart, bend it enough to hear the lock break and the choker fall away.

The sudden lack of support made him stumble, his hands frantically searching for something to hold on to while he was trying to remember how to use his legs. Vision still swimming, he could see in the corner of his eye that the three metallic mountains before him were drawing closer but what was more important was that he thought he could make out a door behind them. The mechs were all that was standing between him and freedom.

There was no plan forming in Kaidan's head, there wasn't even a moment to reconsider. He just acted.

**Shepard - now**

It was like a biotic explosion, like nothing she'd ever experienced. One moment Kaidan looked like he had trouble staying on his feet, the next he tore into one of the mechs in a blue blur, followed by the sound of metal crushing on metal, carrying them out of sight. A small tremor shook the platform they were on while the cryochamber suddenly was aflame in orange and blue. All of a sudden one of the other mechs came back into view, crashing against the third and last one in the middle of readying its gun, rendering them both useless.

Shepard could only gape at the spot Kaidan had been just moments before, sudden silence ringing in her ears before sirens started blaring. Her brain tried to make sense of what she had witnessed, two questions fighting for dominance of her attention.

The first one was how Kaidan had gotten here.

The second one was how the Illusive Man had known.

It was Garrus' voice that interrupted the progress of trying to shift though both and all the new ones they sparked at once, reminding her that they'd have to wait because there were more pressing matters at hand. Like staying alive long enough to get Kaidan, get off this station, and try out all those torture techniques she read about in a book about Batarian warfare on the Illusive Man.

"We have to get down there."

Garrus' voice was oddly tranquil, only a bit more tense around the edges from the shock of having witnessed such a unexpected display of raw power and ruthlessness by their former squadmate and friend. The sniper's calm helped her regain her own. Shepard gave a sharp nod, pressed her lips together and took a deep breath through her nose, willing herself to calm down and her thoughts to untangle. It wouldn't help the situation if she was anything but the Commander they expected her to be right now. The woman she expected herself to be.

Come one, Shepard, you know the drill, she reprimanded herself, giving Jacob a signal to leave his post at the door and follow them. Mission parameters had changed, the mission hadn't. She still needed to get the package to safety. The nature of the package didn't matter.

Liar.

Shepard pushed the small treacherous voice of truth to the back of her head and forced herself to return to the situation at hand. Everything else would have to wait. She felt Garrus' eyes on her, trying to catch hers but she ignored him and crossed the room instead, leaving him at her six. The ground shook beneath their feet, telling them there was more than one battle fought on this station and remind her that her former lieutenant was not the only one she'd set free. The ship computer was repeating a warning when they entered the cryochamber. They were greeted by distruction. A gaping hole was in the wall where Shepard believed a door once had been. Still smoking mech parts were scattered everywhere, the smell of eezo faintly lingering in the fair, mixing with burned metall.

They didn't stick around, just followed the trail of destruction. A trail Shepard had trouble connecting with Kaidan. She knew that he was powerful. She had witnessed it often enough in the field, especially after Eden Prime when he had stopped holding back more and more, trusting himself and trusting her. But this was a completely different level of power. He'd left nothing in his way standing, ripping right through security mechs, walls and guards alike. He only had a headstart of probably a minute and yet he was nowhere to be seen. He hadn't hesitated at all, never considered negotiating. He had just let go. The question if that was what had gotten him in custody on this forsaken space station in the first place crossed her mind.

When they entered a big hall, they were greeted by a whole new level of destruction. Fires were burning everywhere, bodies were scattered around the floor. Shepard was pretty sure it wasn't only Kaidan's doing but the chaos that followed her decision to open all the doors. A shot went by her head, close enough for her to mentally kick herself for not being more aware. She was acting like rooky, not someone who had served for more than a decade who had earned the title hero more than once – even if it wasn't always justified.

Snap out of it, she told herself, gripping her Carnifex tighter and diving into cover just as the ship computer announced a system failure in three sectors, leaving them without any survivors. While Garrus took out guards and prisoners alike with his sniper rifle, Jacob focussed on a mech closing in. Confident her team could handle what the mercs threw against them, she activated her cloak and used the chaos of the battlefield to her advantage. She dove from cover to cover, quickly eliminating whoever she encountered before moving on. Most never even realized they weren't alone anymore before meeting either her blade or Carnifex.

Close quarter combat was exactly what she needed right now. The precise movements helped her regain control and put her mind at ease. No matter the chaos around her, this was something she knew, something she was familiar with. No matter the music, she knew the tunes of death, knew how to dance to them and how to create them. The movements came to her naturally and made navigating the dancefloor of destruction as easy as breathing.

Shepard didn't look back to check if Garrus and Jacob were still following her. Garrus knew how she worked and she trusted Jacob to catch up, otherwise this would be his last time on her ground team. The Illusive Man had promised her the best and the jury was still out on the Ex-Alliance soldier. Since he probably knew it, he'd make sure not to disappoint. If he did it he wouldn't get the chance to try again.

Despite crossing the room fairly quick, each passing minute felt like a lifetime. More and more alarms were blaring through the station, the computer was steadily adding new life support failures to an already long list. It would only be growing since there was nowhere to go in the middle of space. The inmates could only hope they'd die while the ship was still mostly intact and not suffocating while drifting in space. She could testify that this was a rather lousy way to go.

To her mild surprise, slightly bigger annoyance and considerably higher disappointment it wasn't Kaidan they found in the next room but the warden that wanted to sell them. He'd changed his tactic, no longer caring to take them in alive to sell them but throwing everything he had against them. Shepard almost could commiserate, she really was too much trouble.

In the end, Kuril was nothing more than a merc and Shepard never had trouble killing mercs. Neither had the turian dubbed Archangel next to her who put a bullet between the wardens eyes as he had with so many others.

"Finally he's shutting up," Garrus said while lowering his rifle a mere second after the body dropped. Shepard was already walking towards the next exit.

By now they had reached the other side of the docking area they had arrived at. She could already see the Normandy idly waiting for them but her eyes were on a broad shouldered figure, bolting through the hallway straight in the arms of a few waiting guards and their guns. Her Carnifex and Garrus' Mantis were already half-way up when Kaidan raised a hand without even slowing down. For a second Shepard half expected him to give up or at least pretend to to catch the mercs off guard but he had no such plans.

The telltale blue shimmer crawling over his skin told her the truth even before he lifted one, just to smash him against the nearest glass. The force was strong enough to slightly crack the reinforced material, creating a small spider web pattern on the inner layer. She wasn't sure if the cracking sound came from the guard's neck or the glass window. When Kaidan smashed the second merc against the wall, recreating the sound she got her answer. Getting rid of those obstacles didn't took him longer than the blink of an eye. Shepard knew that he hadn't hesitated before, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten this far in such a short time. And yet it still felt completely different actually seeing Kaidan doing it, not holding back anymore. The price he'd had to pay to reach this point must've been high. Or maybe it was her that had paid the price for him to become that man.

Even from a diminishing distance she could see the blood on his balled fist as well as the thick drops falling from his nose, completely ignored by their owner. His full attention was on the window or rather the ship that could be seen through it. Body frozen, face suddenly hard, jaw clenched as if holding back a scream. Shepard followed his eyes to the bright orange and black logo blemishing the SR2. Suddenly she regretted not having gotten rid of it instead of leaving it there as a reminder of her pact with the devil. A reminder of the sacrifices that had to be made in order to do what was necessary, the price she had to pay.

Shepard had wanted to hear his voice the minute she woke up but when he finally spoke it was not to her and not in a tone she'd ever want him to direct her. Colder and more venomous than she'd ever believed possible coming from him. It was the tone much more than the chosen word that told her that everything would be quite a lot more complicated than she'd expected.

"Cerberus."


	5. Chapter 5

**Kaidan - now**

He should've know. He should've known they would find him, that they were behind the sudden chaos and probably even him being here in the first place. His memory was still sketchy at best, leaving him with nothing more than elaborate guesses how he'd managed to get himself on a collapsing prison station full of mercenaries in the middle of space.

The last thing Kaidan remembered was being back on Omega to find a ship willing to bring him to Horizon, chasing ghosts and rumors. His omni-tool was gone so he had no way of knowing how much time had passed since then. If that was hours ago, days or even weeks. He had no idea if he was already too late.

The one thing that was painfully clear right now was that he needed to get off this station. And the one way to do so, the only vessel in sight that wasn't some demolished wreck drifting aimlessly among ripped of parts of the prison had a bright orange and black logo next to a name he never thought he would see on a ship again, especially not flying under those colors. A name that made his heart ache in a way only one other was able to.

Gritting his teeth Kaidan tried to force himself to calm down. He was breathing too fast and yet not getting enough air. Darkness was already dancing in the corners of his vision, threatening to take over if he didn't get his shit together soon. His heart was pounding inside his chest, his brain hurt like hell and his amp felt like it was trying to burn its way through his skull. He could taste the blood flowing down from his nose, his body reminding and punishing him for his stupidity of not even looking for another weapon than his biotics. Now he had to pay the price for that. If he lost consciousness he was as good as dead.

He was so engrossed staring at the fake Normandy, trying to calm down and think of a plan, he missed the steps coming closer until they were almost behind him. Knowing it was a stupid idea, that he was almost burned out, he powered up his biotics anyway, turning around to throw more mercs against the already cracking glass, just to turn freeze in place.

His biotics vanished in thin air as well as his ability to breath or form a coherent thought. Instead he stared right into the same green eyes he had gotten lost in countless of times before. They were slightly widened in a way they only were when caught off guard, something that never happened unless they were alone, her guards down enough to relax and make surprises possible. When he whispered in her ear, in the heat of passion, for her to open them, to look at him, just before he pushed her over the edge.

No, not were. Had been. The owner of those eyes was dead, unlike the person staring at him like she was seeing a ghost. If he were still able to breath, or to think, he would probably have laughed because that was exactly what he was doing right now; staring at the one ghost that had haunted him for over two years. The one he had been hunting before getting caught.

"Kaidan."

The ghost sounded different than when she usually spoke to him, sometime in the middle of the night when he missed her the most. A shadowy figure reminding him of everything he had lost. Of every stolen moment between duty and responsibility, of every moment they still could have had if not for Alchera. If not for a pilot refusing to leave his ship, if not for a stubborn woman refusing to leave him behind, if not for an obedient lieutenant listening to his commanding officer instead of his heart.

Kaidan couldn't help but stare at the owner of the voice, the ghost who looked more solid than ever before, proving to him that the fine thread his remaining sanity had hung on probably tore a long time ago without him even realizing it.

"Kaidan," the voice said again, stronger than the voice of a ghost had any right to be. "We need to leave."

Reality came crashing down around Kaidan and with him the realization that he was standing in the middle of a collapsing space station staring not at a ghost but the woman he had lost over two years ago. Or rather a woman wearing her face.

"No," was all he managed to say, voice hurting and raspy from not being used for anything but screaming in a long time. A tremor went through the station. In more than one way the ground was being taken away from him.

"No, you are not … you can't be."

The woman, the impostor, opened her mouth to reply but somebody else was faster. He had not even seen the turian standing just one step behind her until he opened his mouth.

"Look, I know that you two have a lot to talk about but can we please get back on the Normandy? Preferably before more mercs show up or something else blows up?"

Garrus?, his brain asked but no word came over his lips. Before he was even able to deal with the fact of not only seeing someone who looked like Shepard but also Garrus at her side, another figure took a step forward and into his field of vision. The man opened his mouth to add something but whatever it was, Kaidan didn't hear it. His world boiled down to the same treacherous orange symbol he'd seen on the fake Normandy, the same symbol that had haunted his nightmares for years and that the man displayed proudly on his chest. In that moment it didn't matter if the Shepard before him was an impostor or a fragment of his broken mind, all he knew was that he needed to get the Cerberus agent away from her.

Baring his teeth Kaidan's biotics came back in a rush, encasing his now raised fist. The same moment he heard somebody yell his name, telling him not to, something hard came crashing down on his head, drowning the world in black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Garrus - now**

"Are you alright, Shepard?"

The question was, as far as questions go, pretty stupid. Redundant considering the answer was written plainly on her face, even for him. After all his years in C-Sec and the months on the Normandy he might still have troubles reading human expressions, but he knew enough to see that the Commander was troubled. That especially was a reason to worry. She always was very careful in guarding her thoughts.

Garrus might pride himself in a lot of things, but being able to read Shepard usually wasn't one of them. At least he could console himself by not being the only one. Even Liara, despite her meticulous studies on the SR1, had never really been able to breach the mask of calm the Commander presented the world to grasp more than a glimpse of the emotions she might be feeling. Williams tended to joke about Shepard actually dying on Elysium just to be rebuilt as some kind of robot so the Alliance could present a hero to the public to explain the Commander's stoic behavior. Garrus wondered what Ashley'd make of all this.

He took a step forward so he'd stand next to Shepard. Her eyes never left the window to the medbay, glued to the seemingly sleeping figure on one of the beds. They both knew the man lying there was not actually sleeping, at least not in the way he probably needed to. It wasn't the fault of the inglorious hit on the head he'd gotten either, something Garrus knew he'd have to apologize for later. Shepard had just waved his excuse away when they'd boarded the Normandy, knowing how it could've ended if he hadn't acted as fast as he had. Still, it didn't help Garrus feel any better knocking his onetime friend and comrade in arms out cold to save the life of a Cerberus operative he still didn't trust, not matter how honorable he seemed.

By now Alenko was now drugged out of his mind by the two women towering over him to keep him still and cooperative so they could take stock of the visible injuries. The other ones would have to wait. The eyes of the older one seemed troubled although that did not stop her from calmly examining the soldier in front of her as she had many times before. The medical professional in her had won over the first shock, making Dr. Chakwas as efficient as ever while trying to mend what was broken.

The same could be said about Miranda Lawson even though her composure seemed to waver every time she shot a glance to the medbay window behind which Shepard and he were standing. He might not be good in reading Shepard, but Garrus was only all to familiar with the look of guilt and fear. He had seen that particular mixture often enough while looking in a mirror. Some things carried over, no matter the species.

He wanted to put his talons on Shepard's shoulder, just to show her he was there, as he had seen Alenko do it when he thought nobody was watching. But he wasn't Alenko and he was not sure she would appreciate the gesture from anyone but the man her eyes were currently glued to. So he just stood there, waiting for her to react to his question.

When she finally spoke, her voice was as collected as ever, making him wonder if the answer had taken its time to help her keep her emotions in check. The words that followed implied as much.

"He knew it, Garrus."

He didn't answer or ask who she meant, waiting for her to go on instead.

"The Illusive Man," she clarified. "He knew exactly what the 'package' really was."

"Are you sure you want to have this conversation here?"

Her eyes flickered to his for a moment before returning to Alenko.

"There are no bugs in this corner. If you don't raise your voice, EDI will not be able to pick it up over the sound of Gardner ranting and the humming of the faulty sleeping pod. The cameras outside can only make out the back of our heads."

"And the one in the medbay?"

"Reflections. Dr. Chakwas has the right lights on."

"The one pretty much pointing at us?"

"That's the one."

"Wonder who put it in that angle."

Her lips twitched. Even though she cleared his concerns about being spied on, he let the silence between them grow, weighing her words while thinking back to Purgatory.

He'd been on her ground team pretty much every mission since she'd saved his ass and picked him up on Omega, even though she hadn't needed a sniper until now. Usually she prefered at least one biotic and one tech on her team to balance her own fighting style which included lots of heavy explosives, a sniper rifle, and more close combat than he felt comfortable with. He'd always been her man for missions that required another sniper or those that included the mako. For repairs, as she claimed, since the tank was prone to mechanical failures. He was pretty sure that those were the result of her driving style as well as the other reason why he was always with her, and Alenko, in the mako: Everyone else flat out refused.

But since she started her involuntary liaison with Cerberus, she'd changed her usual squad preferences, always taking him with her. He'd like to claim it was sentiment about their time on the SR1 or that she needed his skillset but it was more likely that she just trusted him more than their newest crewmembers. Who could blame her, them being a bunch of thieves, murderers, terrorists, and assassins?

Said the cop turned vigilante, he thought, almost surprised by the bitterness of that thought, fileing that realization to analyze later.

Purgatory had been hell for the inmates, that much he knew as soon as they'd sat foot on the station. Garrus didn't know if it had been good or bad for Alenko that he'd been deemed so dangerous that they'd put him in cryogenic static while waiting for him to be picked up. A nice, safe little package waiting for the highest bidder.

Garrus followed Shepard's eyes, realizing they were not resting on Alenko as he first thought, but to Miranda who was inspecting his amp, probably trying to figure out if the stasis or his rather impressive display of biotics after he woke up, damaged it. He'd worked a lot with Alenko in the field but he could not remember the raw power the human biotic had shown today. Probably not the only thing that had changed in the last two years considering his current state. No wonder they'd put him on ice while waiting for Cerberus to show up. He could only imagine what Alenko did to get their attention. Garrus wasn't sure he liked either of the ideas crossing his mind.

Of course, there was no doubt that the Illusive Man had known perfectly well who exactly was waiting for them on Purgatory. The question was if he'd intended for Shepard to know. All they'd been told was to pick up cargo to bring it to Omega. If it hadn't been for Kuril's greed, who knew if they'd ever realized who exactly they were handing over to Cerberus. Which begged the question why Shepard was still here, staring into the medbay instead of talking to their current employer. Or being on her way to kill him. Garrus was pretty sure that thought had at least crossed her mind. It was not like she could actually do something besides making Miranda Lawson squirm under her cold gaze. Which might be the point, he realized.

"Are you here for Kaidan or Miranda?" he asked before he could stop himself. Shepard didn't answer but stared straight ahead, eyes never leaving the Cerberus operative, following her every movement. The comm crackled to life, Joker's voice breaching the growing silence.

"Commander? The Illusive Man would like to speak to you."

"I am busy."

"He says it's urgent," the pilot replied, his voice making the last word sound dirty. Reading Joker, even if it was just his voice, was a lot easier than reading Shepard. He never even tried to guard his emotions, wearing them with pride to a degree it became borderline annoying. At least it made him easy to clean out during Skyllian Five.

"I bet he does," Shepard muttered under her breath. "Tell him he can either wait until I am done or I can call him back. His choice."

"What should I tell him how long you gotta take?"

"As long as it takes. Crew takes priorities."

Neither of them reminded her that Kaidan technically wasn't on her crew anymore. Although Garrus could at least understand the sentiment. Even after two years Kaidan still felt more like part of the crew than those he shared the field with recently. And he guessed it might be even more true to Shepard. It was still hard for him to wrap his head around the fact that what had been years for him, only had been weeks for her.

"Right," Joker broke through his musings before he could go down that road again, not being able to find its end until he worked up the guts to actually ask Shepard about it. He wasn't sure if he was ready to do that. Spirits, he wasn't sure if she was either.

"And Joker?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Course to Omega. I need to speak with Councilor Anderson." The last two words rang harsher than Garrus would have expected. Joker picked up the silent heat, too, not even questioning why he shouldn't take course to the Citadel directly.

"Uh, aye-aye, ma'am."

Before Garrus had a chance to open his mouth to ask about Anderson, Omega or the fact that this was where the Illusive Man wanted Kaidan, Shepard suddenly strode past him to the doors of the medbay, leaving him behind. The door swished shut behind her, making it impossible to understand what was being said. He only had the body language of the human women to go on. The way Dr Chakwas nodded while taking. The subtle way Miranda's body went stiff when Shepard entered, her eyes never meeting the Commander's even while being directly addressed. Interesting. He hadn't yet decided if it was from genuine guilt or fear or nothing more than calculation on the Cerberus operative's part when Dr. Chakwas looked at Miranda, saying something to her that made the other woman slightly shake her head, pointing at the unconscious Alliance officer. Whatever the doctor said next, it made Miranda shut up, snap off the gloves before throwing them in the bin and quickly leave the medbay. Garrus eyes went back to Shepard, finding her looking at him. He did not need to be able to read Shepard's face, their time on the battlefield had taught him enough to know what she wanted. He gave a curt nod before following Miranda to her office to have a nice little chat with her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Shepard - now**

His skin was ashen, one shade away from being grey. The only colors to be found were the angry red of fresh scars, the harsh pink of ones already healed and the blue, purple and green of bruises. She had no way of knowing how old they were, how long he'd been in cryo or if they were results of the past afternoon. All she knew was the anger they sparked in her, only kept in check by the worry for him that made her skin crawl and her gut clench. And the knowledge that she couldn't give any of this away.

Shepard tried hard to listen to Dr. Chakwas describing his injuries, the extent of their seriousness and their chances of healing quickly and without leaving further marks on his skin. Her voice was like a river, calm and flowing, a sound to get lost in. Shepard was fighting not to let that happen but to listen to the doctor. It was a lot harder than she'd like to admit.

Her fingers were itching to touch him, to press her fingertips against his wrist to make sure there was still a pulse even if the machines and Dr. Chakwas' diagnostics both said so. She just wanted to make sure herself or maybe just have an excuse to touch him, to reassure herself he was really here. To trace the new lines on his body that were yet unfamiliar to her hands. And, considering his reaction when he first saw her, might never become familiar.

Shepard pushed that particular line of thought away, not ready think about the consequences of her two year absence and what they meant to the man in front of her. She couldn't help but feel responsible for whatever had happened to him. She knew in her bones that it wouldn't have happened if she'd been there. If she'd just not ...

Taking a deep breath she suffocated the thought before it fully formed and forced herself to look at Dr. Chakwas, just noticing that the doctor had stopped talking. Instead of Kaidan she was now mustering Shepard, weighing her other problem child. Except for Kaidan's migraines they'd always appeared together in her medbay, one usually supporting the other after a mission went FUBAR or them supporting each other if it had been a particularly bad day. In hindsight those days looked a lot better now than they did back then.

"You look tired, Commander," Dr. Chakwas noted.

"It's been a long day."

"I can only imagine. It doesn't happen every day that you find yourself in an armed stand-off with someone close to you. Especially not in the condition the other Commander is in right now."

Shepard ignored the insinuation, her eyes returning to Kaidan's face. Even unconscious his brows were furrowed in a way that always tempted her to smooth them with her fingers, usually making him smile when she did, no matter how dark the thoughts haunting through his head or how intense the pain. But that had only happened when they were alone without any need to pretend they were nothing more than comrades in arms. Deep in memories she shouldn't entertain right now, she almost didn't catch the unfamiliar title of her former lieutenant.

"Commander?"

"Oh, I forgot you didn't know. Yes, our lieutenant was promoted after the Normandy ... after Alchera."

For the first time in what felt like ages Shepard felt the ghost of a smile on her lips, ignoring the almost-mention of her death that everybody danced around like not talking about it would suddenly make it undone, too afraid for her reaction and too naive to realize how it really affected her.

"Had been a long time coming. He's hell of a soldier."

Shepard was dimly aware of the pride coloring her voice, breathing in deeply after noticing her mistake. She needed to regain control again before she gave too much away – if she hadn't already.

One of these days she needed to talk to Mordin about the bugs on the ship. She wasn't sure removing any of them was even worth the trouble, considering that they still had a Cerberus AI to worry about. But with Kaidan on board the thought of being spied on suddenly seemed more severe than before. Until now she had nothing to hide. Until now she wasn't in danger giving anything away to Cerberus. Even though she doubted much of her documented past was a secret to them, there were things she knew the organisation was not aware of and she'd like to keep it that way.

It took effort to bite back all the questions that were burning on her tongue, even more analyzing which ones were harmless to ask. The ones burning the brightest were also those she could not ask. Not only because she didn't want anyone to overhear but also because she knew the doctor would not know the answer. She decided to start with the obvious.

"What happened to him after Alchera?"

Dr. Chakwas' fingers stilled on the interface of her omni-tool. Shepard could see diagnostics running but wasn't able to make out any specifics. Not that she'd be able to make anything of them anyway. Her medical knowledge began and ended with basic first aid in the field. Most of it she knew thanks to trial and error on Elysium, learned while trying to stay alive and keep the few allies she had alive too, with varying success. The rest she learned from Kaidan, being forced to patch him up more than once quick and dirty on the field when he was incapable of doing it himself. The basic understanding of do-this-and-hopefully-nobody-will-bleed-to-death didn't help her decipher the numbers on the doctor's omni-tool.

Dr. Chakwas' eyes didn't leave the diagnostics but she still answered.

"I'm not sure I can be of any help, Commander. I simply don't know. The last time I saw Kaidan was during your funeral and I wasn't able to talk to him. He was in the honor guard and vanished quickly after. But there were ... rumors."

"Rumors." Nothing good ever came from that word.

"Yes. About special assignments, I believe, so they should be classified. You would have to ask Councilor Anderson about that, I'm afraid."

That I will, Shepard thought.

"Some of the injuries and scars on Kaidan's body don't look like the result of combat."

Shepard's eyes flew to the doctor and back to Kaidan, roaming over his naked chest. Miranda and Dr. Chakwas had removed his blood drenched, dirty clothes and the thin blanket only covered his lower body. Until now Shepard had not allowed herself to look at him as a whole, to look at more than the details. She hadn't allowed herself to dwell on the fact that he was too thin for a biotic and a soldier. That his muscles were clear defined, even more than before, although not in a way that spoke of a healthy professional workout but rather as a byproduct of bodily work. They looked too lean, not bulky, showing his caloric intake was probably too low to support them. It was so unlike the Kaidan she knew who rigorously paid attention to eating enough because he was well aware of the dangers if he didn't.

Now she realized that some of the scars held a pattern, showing clearly that they were not there by accident. It took her a moment to draw the conclusion, another sign how tired she was, but a second later she knew what the older woman was trying to say. Shepard knew this kind of scars only too well. She had some of them herself from when she was still doing black ops and she had also created them on others when it was necessary. She had never expected to find that kind of scars on Kaidan.

"I thought you might take it under consideration."

"I will," Shepard said, trying to keep the ice she felt crawling through her veins out of her voice with litte success. "How long until he wakes up?"

"A few hours at least, although it is difficult to say with biotics. After making sure he doesn't have a concussion, Operative Lawson and I agreed on giving him a higher dose of sedatives."

"Forcing him to rest?" Shepard guessed.

"As you know, Commander, I am well aware of how you and Kaidan deal with any kind of injury and as much as I know you hate to hear it 'ignore them until they go away' is not considered a valid form of treatment."

Dr. Chakwas shot her a don't-you-dare-arguing kind of look before bringing her attention back to her patient.

"The same goes for exhaustion, as far as I remember. The only way to deal with it is by sleeping."

Shepard knew a dismissal when she heard one and she also knew that there wasn't much she could do for Kaidan now anyway. As tempting as the idea of actual sleep sounded, she wasn't sure she would find it if she tried. Sleep and her had never be easy companions, even under normal circumstances. As it was, her body had decided her two year break from life had been enough rest for the time being. She could count herself lucky for getting a few hours of sleep every night. All she wanted right now was a nice, hot shower to wash the day away, some hot coffee, and then sit next to Kaidan until he woke. The problem was that any point on this list was nothing but a distant dream. There was too much to do to even entertain the idea of doing any of it.

Shepard sighed internally, having her eyes rest one last time on Kaidan's still form, reassuring herself that he was still breathing while wondering when she had started being so protective, so scared. She was looking right at the answer.

Since she had something to lose.


	8. Chapter 8

**Shepard – now**

There were several reasons why she disliked holo displays.

The first one was that it was difficult to read the expression of the other person as too much of it got lost in the progress, making it hard to see the tiny ways in which their faces changed when they lied.

The second one was that it was hardly possible to record anything more than audio with an omni-tool because even if the other person could know about it, it was next to futile to record any visual.

The third one was that punching the person you were talking to was impossible.

Although, to be fair, right in this moment she did not want to punch the Illusive Man; stabbing him with her omni-blade was a lot more tempting. Thanks to the first reason why she hated holo displays she could at least be pretty sure that he didn't know about it because even if she gave something away, it would be so tiny the communicator wouldn't be able to pick it up.

Small favors, Shepard mused while staring at the head of the terrorist organisation she was unfortunate enough to work with at the time being. As always he was smoking a cigarette, glass of what looked like scotch not too far away.

He had already made perfectly clear how much he disliked having to wait and Shepard had already made perfectly clear how little she cared. Even years in the military with superior officers she didn't particularly care for didn't help when it came to dealing with the Illusive Man today. Partly because she lacked any kind of respect for him, partly because her patience was wearing dangerously thin, partly because she still hadn't had any coffee.

"I heard about the newest addition to the Normandy, Shepard."

I bet you did, Shepard thought while wondering how much it would impact the Normandy if she shot the AI Core. Instead of voicing her thought she just said: "We picked up the package from Purgatory. Just as requested."

"And destroyed the whole station."

"There were complications."

He let the comment slide, probably glad he saved money because Warden Kuril was dead, meaning he didn't have to pay for Kaidan or buy her back.

"EDI told me you are en route to Omega now. I will send a team to pick Mr. Alenko up as soon as you reach the station."

"You told me to deliver a package to Omega. Commander Alenko is not a package and he is not going to be delivered or taken anywhere but back to the Citadel and into Alliance custody."

"The Commander came to us of his own free will, Shepard."

"The cryosleep and his injuries could've fooled me," she replied without missing a beat, filing that particular information away to be analyzed later.

"One of our facilities is awaiting him. They have everything he needs to recover and more."

"'And more?'"

"As you very well know, Commander, Staff Commander Alenko's implant is a special case and he is spiking higher than most human biotics. It's important that we study a case like his so that humanity can gain from it."

"And what exactly does Commander Alenko gain from it?"

"This is about more than one person, Shepard. Think about the bigger picture, what Alenko can do for us, for humanity."

_If you say it like that, there is no reason why they wouldn't like you. Us! Humans! Ma'am._

The familiarity of the words almost made her flinch. Us. Humans.

_You make me feel human._

Shepard closed her eyes, not longer than an extended blink, taking a deep breath before returning her attention back to the Illusive Man, blowing blue holo smoke in her direction. God, how much she'd like to punch him right now.

"I'm aware that there is a certain ... familiarity between you and Commander Alenko. But you need to leave that behind you and focus on what is important."

Those were exactly the words she did not want to hear. She had no idea how much exactly Cerberus knew about her and Kaidan and the Illusive Man's words hardly gave anything away. It could still only imply that he was her lieutenant, her squadmate and brother in arms. She doubted it but as long as she didn't outright deny it and therefore probably confirm any suspicion, Cerberus had no way of actually knowing the truth, had they?

"My focus is exactly where it should be: the Collectors. As for Commander Alenko I will leave it up to him where his focus lies as soon as he wakes up. I'll be in touch."

The sight of the Illusive Man opening his mouth to disagree and disconnecting the comm before he could was probably the most satisfying thing that had happened all day.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Sorry that I am only posting such a short chapter today. The next one is already done but I'm not quite happy with it, unfortunately I can't really put my finger on why that's the case. While I'm trying to figure it out, I didn't want to keep you waiting so have a small-ish chapter now and the next one will most likely follow before next Sunday :) At the moment I'm working without a beta and English is not my first language so please excuse my mistakes and thank you for being patient with me. Feel free to drop me a line if you see something wrong. And thank you so much for all the favorites, follows, kudos, reviews, and comments! Your support means the world to me!


	9. Chapter 9

**Miranda - now**

The problem with perfection was that it was nothing but a lie. This was a truth she had learned very early in her life and it kept reminding her at every opportunity it got, much to her dismay. And today seemed to be one of these days on which it did in a particularly gleeful fashion, proving yet again that it only took one mistake, one miscalculation, to threaten to bring her carefully stacked house of cards down and there was nothing she could do about it.

Usually she made very sure the at these kind of opportunities didn't present themselves by being prepared for every kind of eventuality but every once in a while there was a tiny hitch, a possibility she overlooked or a betrayal from someone she'd trusted probably a bit too much. She had yet to determine who or what exactly was to blame for the latest nuisance but right now the most important thing to do was damage control.

It had taken too long to get rid of Vakarian after he had cornered her in her office, trying to get information about Alenko. The problem was that she knew as much as he did about the Staff Commander's situation and this was a far bigger issue than she cared to admit, especially not in front of Shepard's favorite turian. When they'd gotten the order to pick up a package on that godforsaken prison station, she hadn't know it was a sentient being, let alone not only an Alliance officer, a problem in and of itself, but the man in Shepard's life that presented the biggest mystery to her.

Miranda had spend two years not only working on bringing Shepard back as she had been but also meticulously studying the Commanders life to make sure she didn't make any mistakes, something that had turned out to be much more difficult than she'd liked. Shepard's life in the Alliance was very well documented, even getting files on her special assignments and black ops hadn't been much of a problem. Getting information about the person behind those achievements … that had been and still was a very different beast.

Lieutenant Commander Cassandra Shepard kept her private life under wraps and she was disconcertingly good at it. Before the Alliance she barely existed. Nothing but rumors about her time in various gangs on Earth, all of them frustratingly vague so even now Miranda couldn't be sure the few stories she could get her hands on really were about Shepard. Everybody who so much as seemed to know something about her before her enlistment had turned up dead at one point or the other or flat out vanished. Shepard seemed like a ghost that just appeared one day at the recruitment office to become a soldier. No amount of digging shed any light of who she'd been before or showed that she had been anything but a soldier since then. No history of family, no friends, no lovers, not even acquaintances to speak of besides the men and women she served with. Until the SSV Normandy SR1 at least.

Miranda wasn't sure what exactly had been the critical factor but something in Shepard had changed while serving on the first Normandy. Before the assignment, none of the people she'd served with seemed to know much about her, saying she pretty much kept to herself and showed little interest in spending time with others. 'Aloof' was what some called her. 'Cold hearted bitch' was another popular expression as well as 'fucking stuck-up Alliance hero'. The crew of the Normandy though had different things to say. They not only called her a hero but a comrade in arms, a friend even. They showed a loyalty beyond her ability on the battlefield that even her harshest critics grudgingly acknowledged. It was fascinating, really.

Until now Miranda had held Shepard's new role accountable, not only as the first human Spectre but also as the CO of the ship. It was a kind of responsibility Shepard hadn't had before, not even when she'd led teams. Being responsible for a whole crew asked for a different kind of social skills than what the Commander had presented in the past. Combined with the fact that the crew wasn't completely human but included a variety of aliens who needed to trust her to work well together, it seemed logical that Shepard needed to show flexibility when it came to social interactions.

It had seemed as good of an explanation as any but now Miranda wasn't so sure anymore. The arrival of Staff Commander Alenko had raised questions she hadn't considered before. Shepard's stoic behavior had slightly changed since she'd brought him on board but as for now Miranda wasn't sure what it meant. If she was simply concerned about one of her former crew the way it had been with Vakarian, if it was about the implications of what was done to Alenko and how Cerberus played into it or if it was about something else entirely. A connections deeper than just mere comrades in arms ...

There were rumors, of course, that Shepard had been more to Alenko than just his CO. They had surfaced after the destruction of the Normandy but so had countless of others when the smear campaign against the Savior of the Citadel had started, some of them were even their own doing. She was linked romantically to pretty much every member of the crew at one point or another, most prominently to Alenko, Vakarian and the asari scientist, T'Soni. There were more than a few "secret lovers" coming out over the first few months after her death and not all of them had been paid by Cerberus.

Certainly, Miranda had given Shepard's private life a lot of thought. After all it was her job to know as much about her project as possible, especially when it came to weaknesses and matters that could compromise the mission. After a while though, Miranda had filed the former lieutenant as well as the others away and concentrated on more pressing matters. A mistake as it seemed. How big that mistakes turned out to be was yet to be seen. Miranda didn't look forward to it, especially not considering the implications of how Cerberus was involved. Something the Illusive Man conveniently seemed to have forgotten to tell her. Not having all the information she needed was an annoyance at the best of times but this could turn out to be a critical piece of knowledge missing, resulting in miscalculations and failure to gain Shepard's trust, endangering the whole mission. So it stood to reason that it irked Miranda even more than usually.

Right now she was not sure what exactly bothered her more, that the Illusive Man had withheld possibly critical information from her, that she might have been wrong about Alenko's role in Shepard's life or that with him on the SR2 her carefully laid out plans seemed futile. Pieces of the puzzle were still missing and it was hard seeing the whole picture without them.

Noticing she had picked up her old habit of drumming her fingers on her desk, Miranda immediately stopped. She looked up from the datapad she'd been staring at since she'd made it clear to Vakarian that she had better things to do than being cross examined by some ex-cop turned vigilante. It was time to try and find the missing pieces to put the picture together again before she lost even more control over it.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Operative Lawson?"

"Where is Shepard at the moment?"

"Commander Shepard arrived on the crew deck a few minutes ago. She is currently in the mess and getting a coffee."

Miranda sighted internally. She had always heard that the Navy run on caffeine but she'd dismissed it as a joke until she'd met Shepard. The woman practically breathed coffee. Maybe she should ask Gardner to switch to decaf, at least then Shepard might actually sleep from time to time. Right now however it presented an opportunity and Miranda was never one to waste an opportunity.

Getting up from her desk to leave the office, Miranda froze mid-movement when a thought she'd prefered not to have crossed her mind. It was nothing more but a tiny spark, more a gut feeling than a real idea, but even before it was fully formed, she knew it had the power to set the world on fire if she was right. Carefully she weighed her options while forcing herself to remain calm and keep crossing the room, trying not to show any of what was going on inside her head. How badly she wished she was wrong for once.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Operative Lawson?"

Calm, Miranda. Stay calm. "Please transfer all data of Project Menoetius to my terminal. I need to talk to Shepard."


	10. Chapter 10

**Project Menoetius – now**

Her hands were shaking with anger, too hard to get it under control. In a desperate attempt to keep it from him, she hid them behind her back, clasped together and knowing fully well that it was probably a futile attempt. Her own weakness disgusted her but not enough to help her keeping her feelings in check.

Absolutely nothing went according to plan. To say it was upsetting would be a grave understatement, bordering catastrophic was a lot more fitting. At this very moment it took everything to keep herself from fully voicing her displeasure to the man in front of her, mustering her with the coldest blue eyes she had ever seen, not even warming for her no matter how much she desired it. Even after all those years they could still send a shiver down her spine and not always in a good way.

"It's a regrettable turn of events but they are approaching Omega. He will be back with you soon enough," he said, voice as cool as his eyes, completely in control. Everything she was not at this very moment.

"He better be," she snapped, unable to restrain her fury. „I was so close! He was almost ready for the next step and we can't afford this kind of interruption! The longer he's gone, the harder it will become to get him ready for the next phase."

Blue smoke rippled through the air, vanishing outside the radius of the holographic transmission. The cigarette was almost gone, soon to be replaced by a new one that would vanish just as quickly. The profligacy he consistently displayed fueled her foul mood even further.

"This should never have happened! He shouldn't have been woken up at all! The cryo-sleep was keeping his metabolism in check, we can count ourselves lucky if not all our efforts are completely mute when he's back at the station."

"Then you probably should have ensured he couldn't escape in the first place, shouldn't you, Dr. Cevahir?"

It took everything she had not to flinch when he used her title but she was sure he saw the effect it had on her anyway as he always seemed to see everything. She felt the guilt rising but quickly pushed it back down. It was not her fault that Kaidan ... that the subject had escaped. This was a high security facility with enough well-trained personnel specifically hired to prevent something like this from happening. And she'd had no way of knowing the information she'd fed him to make him lose control would result in something like this! He had never tried to escape before, never so much as thought about it; or so she believed. She couldn't have foreseen something like this. She couldn't have foreseen that he had used her as much as she had used him.

Worrying her lip she forced herself to stop clenching her hands, calmly folding her arms in front of her instead. Her index finger started tapping on her arm as if it had a will of its own but she was too peeved to pay attention.

"You should send Kai Leng."

For a moment he was silent, just looking at her. "Should I."

It was not a question. She ignored the dangerous tone his voice got when someone was stupid enough to give him commands or suggest something to him who was not his precious Miss Lawson who for some reason was allowed to do whatever the hell she wanted. She clenched her teeth, trying not to let her mind run away with the ridiculous implications it kindly offered.

"He might be a sociopath but he gets the job done."

"He's a trained killer and I got the impression you wanted Alenko alive."

She bit back another angry retort because she was aware she was treating on thin ice. As important as this project was, she knew fully well that it still ranked behind others, especially behind Project Lazarus. If Menoetius got in the way of Lazarus she knew he would not hesitate to put an end to it and render all of her hard work mute. Being angry about things that couldn't be changed now didn't help her case in any way, no matter how much it frustrated her. She couldn't risk that her moods endangered her work even further. So instead of venting her spleen she changed tactics and sighted, shoulders slightly falling.

"We were so close," she muttered in frustration. „It wouldn't have taken much longer for him to be ready for the next phase. Now we're lucky if we don't have to start over. If she doesn't make our whole work void again."

"If that's the case then you were not as far as you claimed you were."

His words were like daggers, hurting her pride as much as her heart. Not only because he belittled her work but also herself, not trusting her in a way she should have by now. After all these years and months, after everything she had achieved and given up ... Angry eyes shot to his but she said nothing, knowing fully well that she'd probably start digging her own grave if she did. No matter how much she wished it was different, she knew she was replaceable. Maybe not as easily as others but she didn't fool herself into believing she was indispensable. Trying to ignore the hurt, she forced herself to remain calm.

"They are on their way to Omega?" She asked instead.

"They should arrive soon. A team is already waiting for them."

"What about Shepard? She's hardly going to give him up voluntarily, if she even lets him leave the ship."

"Shepard is no concern. Just be sure everything's prepared for Alenko's return."

"Of course," she said stiffly, realizing she was about to be dismissed.

"And Dr. Cevahir? Make sure he stays this time."

* * *

**Author's Note:  
**

Sorry for the unexpected delay! Life happened so I couldn't post a chapter last Sunday. I actually wanted to make it up to you by posting two today but I couldn't finish the second one in time and didn't want you to have to wait much longer. I hope I can publish it before next Sunday, tho! And yes, Kaidan will wake up very soon ... By the way if you don't already know it: Kaidan Porn Week is returning to Tumblr in a few days! I'm taking prompts to fullfill your smutty needs :) Thank you all for your support! It means the world to me!


	11. Chapter 11

**Shepard – now**

She was cursed. By now she was pretty sure of it because it was the only logical explanation coming to her mind for why she still hadn't been granted a single sip of coffee. Every time she came close to finally find a minute to get a much needed cup, something else popped up, demanding her immediate attention. Since coming back from Purgatory she had talks with pretty much everyone starting with Dr. Chakwas and the Illusive Man through to several members of the crew and even her new ground team who seemed to think now was the best time to come to her with all kinds of questions, problems, and inquiries. Most notably Garrus who'd managed to catch her twice since coming back on board, hovering whenever she rounded a corner, patiently waiting for her to finish whatever she was doing so he could talk to her. It was borderline annoying considering she knew that he was itching to finish the conversation they'd started in front of the med bay. A conversation she had no intention of continuing.

After dismissing Chambers, who had been a bit too enthusiastic and interested in their newest guest, Shepard had managed to slip away to the mess, only to find Garrus leaning at the wall next to the coffee maker. Being the sniper that he was he had chosen the perfect location to set up a camp and wait for her. She was tempted to ask EDI to mess with his calibrations to get some peace but quickly dismissed the thought. At least she'd have to talk to him about his chat with Miranda to get a feeling for how much the Cerberus Operative really knew about the situation. For someone usually displaying such a cool exterior, she'd been slightly too nervous since they'd brought Kaidan aboard. The questions was why and Shepard trusted Garrus' instincts as former C-Sec officer to at least have a pretty decent bullshit detector.

The turian's eyes never left her as she crossed the mess, nodding to two crewmen at the table. As expected Mess Sergeant Gardner was at his usual post, preparing something that could be omelette or maybe some particularly slimy vegetable soup. Shepard decided she didn't want to know.

Looking up from his concoction, one look at her face seemed to tell Gardner what she was up to.

"Coffee's almost done, Commander. Should only take a few more minutes. You want some breakfast to go with it? I'm making pancakes."

That answered one question while a closer look into the bowl he was holding raised several others, each of them fuel for a different nightmare.

"I'm good, thanks."

"You should eat more, Commander. Can't live on coffee alone."

"And yet she's trying so very hard," Garrus muttered under his breath.

Crossing her arms in front of her, Shepard raised one eyebrow but decided against using the men in front of her as target practice for her coffee-deprivation induced foul mood. Instead she leaned against the counter, now being able to look at both Garrus and the coffee maker while not being tempted to look into Gardner's bowl. She really didn't want a closer look at those brownish clots.

"How long until Omega?" Garrus asked.

"About an hour, give or take."

"Can't wait to set foot on that Station again. It's been too long until someone tried to shoot me on sight." Leave it to Garrus to at least try to ease her mood or lighten the situation. Too bad it didn't work at all. Shepard sighed internally. She'd hoped to drag out telling him for a few more minutes, at least until after her first cup of coffee. A glance at the too slowly filling pot told her she wasn't as lucky. The curse theory was amplifying.

"You're not coming this time, Garrus."

In the corner of her eye she saw Garrus pushing away from the wall while Gardner went very still.

"What do you mean I'm not coming along this time?"

"We hardly got you off Omega alive the last time we were there, ‚Archangel', no need to repeat that exercise again just yet. This visit has to be as low-key as possible, a wanted vigilante tagging along doesn't qualify as low-key."

Garrus' twitching mandibles told her he was anything but happy with her reasoning and probably wondering if telling her would be a wise idea. Despite being a hothead sometimes he was clever enough to decide against doing so. Looking back to the coffee pot Shepard added: "Besides, I need someone to keep an eye on our Alliance guest."

That shut Garrus up before even opening his mouth. Still staring at her, he practically emitted discontent for her decision. Thankfully he said nothing. If it was because of Gardner's presence, out of respect for her command or his understanding of what was likely about to happen when Kaidan woke up on a Cerberus vessel and she wasn't on board didn't matter at the moment. She was just glad that someone for once didn't try to argue with her.

As if she'd sensed the thought, Miranda chose this exact moment to emerge from her office, briskly striding over to where they were standing. The walk of the Cerberus Operative alone told Shepard that she wouldn't like what was about to follow, not even considering that she didn't have a chance yet to talk to Garrus about their conversation while she was with Kaidan. Miranda's cool eyes took in the situation before returning to her.

"Shepard, we need to talk."

Of course we do, Shepard thought, pondering if she couldn't just order a coffee maker for her quarters or confiscate this one so she didn't have to leave her cabin as often and could avoid encounters like this.

Miranda's eyes flickered to the machine in question, raising her perfectly formed eyebrows. The coffee was almost done.

"Don't you think you should cut back on the caffeine, Shepard?"

Do not throw the woman who saved your life out of the airlock. Do not throw the woman who saved your life out of the airlock. Do not throw the woman who saved your life out of the airlock.

"Is there something you need, Operative Lawson?" Shepard asked, unable to keep the irritation out of her voice while repeating her new mantra.

Miranda's glance bolted from Shepard to Garrus and back, probably trying to figure out if something between them had happened that had resulted in both of them being in such an obviously bad mood. The turian too had crossed his arms, subconsciously mirroring Shepard in more than her temper. He hadn't acknowledged Miranda at all, staring at Shepard who chose to ignore him and stare at the coffee maker instead, willing it to work faster.

"Can I talk to you in private for a moment?"

At this rate she would never get her coffee.

"Can't it wait for a bit?"

"Too busy waiting for your coffee?" Miranda asked snidely before she could stop herself. Very slowly Shepard turned to the operative. The other woman's body went stiff, gloved fingers clenching into fists before opening again in a forced attempt to look calm, even if she'd just realized the mistake she'd make by being flippant to a woman notorious for not tolerating any kind of disrespect, especially not before her first coffee. Miranda's hands as much as the slight widening of her eyes gave her unease away, but Shepard still admired that she at least tried to remain composed. Despite her obvious discomfort, Miranda held her head high, not avoiding Shepard's austere gaze. If she weren't so tired, it would probably amuse or at least please her that despite everything Miranda seemed to know about her, she was still able to rattle her. If she weren't so tired, she'd probably already started to dress down the operative like a Private 2nd Class.

Before she was able to respond or Miranda got the chance to say something, the other woman's eyes darted to something behind Shepard, widening even more. Puzzled Shepard half turned to follow her gaze, just to freeze in the middle of her movement when she saw what the operative was staring at. Or rather whom. Standing on the other side of the med bay-window was Kaidan, pale and wide awake. Next to him was Dr. Chakwas, talking to him furiously while being careful not to touch him. Kaidan's face told her that he wasn't hearing a word the doctor was saying. Instead his eyes were fixed on Shepard, staring at her like was looking at a ghost.

Coffee would have to wait.


	12. Chapter 12

**EDI - now**

On average the human heart beats 60-100 times a minute depending on several factors. Among them age, fitness, hormonal balance, and general health as well as the emotional state. The commanders heart had almost doubled since stepping into the med-bay. Her heart rate was quite similar to the one she had while exercising, something the commander was not at the moment. In fact she was not moving at all, standing straight in the middle of the med-bay in an almost perfect example of parade rest as described in the standard handbook of the Systems Alliance: feet exactly ten inches apart, hands clasped behind her back, thumbs interlocked, right palm outwards.

Commander Shepard looked calm and composed, only her heart rate gave away that something was not quite right. EDI had already checked the systems twice but the readings of the commander's status were correct which was rather curious. The change in her composure began roughly six point five seconds before she had entered the med-bay, rate spiking after coming face to face with the newly awoken Commander Alenko who had a quite similar reaction.

He was also showing signs of confusion, disorientation, stress, and fatigue probably based both on what had happened prior to his admission to the med-bay as well as the medication Dr. Chakwas had used which to her calculations should have prevented him from waking up this early. His readings indicated an imbalance on pretty much all accounts, showing severe malnutrition and dehydration next to the remains of several chemical substances not listed in EDIs database and various injuries Dr. Chakwas and Operative Lawson had already taken care of. His heart rate had spiked shortly after waking up, quickening when he spotted the Cerberus logo on the Normandy's walls, confirming the notes on his file on his apparent feelings about the organization.

While trying to gain access another file to figure out the reasons for this, EDI found a block that could not be removed. Some of his reports from his time on the Normandy SR1 described confrontations with minor Cerberus cells, exhibiting a moral and ethical appall regarding the organization. All files on Commander Alenko regarding Cerberus after the destruction of the Normandy SR1 were sealed, even to the AI. Pushing against the hindrance did not work, neither did trying to find a way around them or a loophole to gain access the restricted information. It was the second time today something like this had happened. The first time was when Operative Lawson requested the files on Project Menoetius and EDI was confronted with the same obstacles. All EDI could do was following the flow of information and search for connections between the two separate blocks. This at least had been successful although it was still unclear in which capacity they existed.

While still assessing this curious problem as well as trying to find a way around it, another part of EDI's attention was focused on the med-bay in which the Commanders Shepard and Alenko were silently staring at each other. Despite none of the files hinting there'd been any resentment between the two Alliance soldiers during their time on the SR2, their postures and facial expressions as well as biological readings indicated unhappiness and unease.

Their shared distress had only increased after Commander Shepard inquired on Commander Alenko's status which seemed to greatly upset him. The pitch of his voice indicated irritation and anger. For some reason the question was not welcome. Instead of answering it, he brought forward Commander Shepard's own status among the living and why she had not tried to contact him if she would indeed been alive all this time. His expression was guarded and although his words were colored by animosity, they seemed to be chosen carefully. Despite his irregular heart rate and breathing, his speech pattern was not rash but cautious. While his voice revealed confusion, anger and even hurt, there was a lack of surprise. Curious.

The commander's face did not give away if she had made the same observation as EDI had, although the camera on the med-bay entrance focused on her back showed a slight tremor in her fingers before she balled them to fists, successfully stilling them.

"I really did die, Kaidan," Commander Shepard said, voice quiet and soft. It was the first time EDI had witnessed this particular tone. "It took Cerberus two years to bring me back."

"Cerberus." The emphasis in which the name of the organization was said was similar to the tone Officer Vakarian held when talking about his former associate Sidonis. A mixture of revulsion and anger as EDI had learned.

"It was not my choice. There was nothing I could do against about it while being dead."

"People can't be brought back from the dead, Shepard. Not even by Cerberus."

"Commander Shepard was indeed not alive when her body was recovered. She-"

"EDI, don't."

The AI broke off. The conversation was not going in a direction any of the participants were happy with. It was only logical that they would appreciate help to improve the situation. That was clearly not the case. EDI did not understand why.

The confusion on Commander Alenko's eyebrows were knitted, his eyes scanning for the bodiless voice that had just spoken. Besides Shepard there was only Dr. Chakwas in the med-bay, keeping silent while having an eye on both commanders and Kaidan Alenko's readings, face indicating unhappiness.

"That was EDI, the ship's AI."

The explanation did not seem to satisfy Commander Alenko as his jaw dropped slightly, features incredulous.

"You have an AI on your ship?"

"EDI was already installed when I came aboard. Besides shooting the AI core, there wasn't much I could have done, and I was advised not to."

Certainly not what EDI had preferred to hear. Commander Alenko's face indicated that he shared that thought although considering his prior confrontations with artificial intelligence probably for different reasons.

"And you're okay with that? With having a Cerberus AI on your ship? Shouldn't be surprised considering who you work for now."

His voice was deepening in anger as well as the frown on his face. Shepard was mirroring it perfectly albeit unwittingly.

"With, not for."

"I don't see the difference."

"The difference is that Cerberus was willing to help me but under my conditions. They pay the bills but I make the calls. They brought me back so I could do something about the Collectors and the missing colonies. Something the Alliance is unwilling to do something about."

"The Alliance isn't-"

"They are, Kaidan" Shepard snapped, startling both Commander Alenko as well as Doctor Chakwas who looked up from her omni-tool. "Don't you think I tried? Going to Anderson was the first thing I did after I woke up and saw what was happening. He made it very clear that I can't expect any help from the Alliance or the council who's too busy pretending the reapers don't exist to care about vanishing human colonies in the Terminus Systems. Anderson stonewalled me, not only regarding the collectors about you."

The deep frown between Commander Alenko's eyes had not lessened, neither was his jaw less clenched. His fingers were clutching the bed he was sitting on, knuckles white. If he kept the pressure, it was possible he would dislocate at least a few joints. His breathing still was uneven as well as his heartbeat both much to Dr. Chakwas' dismay. She was keeping a close eye on his status, seeing the same numbers as EDI did as well as EDI's note about the oncoming chance of further self-inflicted injuries. Considering Dr. Chakwas' nature and profile, she would probably end the conversation soon in favor of her patient's well-being. Her eyes were fixed on Commander Shepard who plainly ignored her. Her focus was still on Commander Alenko who had become very silent as his status and whereabouts were questioned. Still being confronted with the

"There have to be other options."

"Such as? It's not like I can steal the SR1 again."

The mention of the predecessor of the current Normandy made Commander Alenko flinch, possibly a remnant of the trauma he had experienced when the ship went down. He, as well as all other Alliance personnel stationed on the SR1, had to attend therapy afterwards to deal with the experience. The then freshly promoted Lieutenant Commander was cleared after several therapy units, a note in his file saying that it was best for him to quickly return to active duty. Otherwise, the file read, it was likely he would keep blaming himself and see it as a form of fit punishment that he had followed orders to abandon ship instead of reacting as he was supposed to. Scanning the file, EDI found it inconsistent. Parts seemed to be inconclusive and missing after comparing it to similar files like that of Dr. Chakwas and Flight Lieutenant Moreau. There was no indication as to why.

"I can't expect help from the Alliance nor the Council. Cerberus gave me a ship, they gave me funds, and they gave me my life back. So I'll use them. I can't just sit still and watch the Collector's take another colony."

"Why not? It's not like you care."

Silence took over the room as everybody stilled. Commander Shepard's face was blank not moving a single muscle, making it hard even for EDI to conclude what was going on inside the human woman's head. Her eyes were fixed on Commander Alenko who'd lost even more of his complexion and swallowed audible. He held her glance. His posture was rigid, jaw clenched even harder than before. Doctor Chakwas' mouth was slightly open, eyes widened as she stared at her patient in surprise. Her fingers had stilled in her omni-tool, ignoring the program she was running.

Commander Alenko was the first who spoke again. "Shepard, I-"

He did not get very far before Commander Shepard interrupted him, voice hard but free of any emotions EDI could evaluate.

"Let me be very clear, Alenko. I will not sit back and watch the Collectors take another human colony. I won't let that happen because it's the right thing to do, something the Alliance seems to have forgotten what it means. I will do it with the help of Cerberus because it's my only option. You of all people should know that sometimes it's necessary to break the rules to do what's right."

"It's not just about breaking rules and you damn well know that, Shepard. You're working for a terrorist organization. You of all people should know what they've done in the past and what can happen when you cut corners."

"Yes, but I also know what happens when I don't do it this time and I can't risk it."

"So you'll just work for the enemy, no questions asked."

"Cerberus is not the enemy in this scenario. The Collectors are and they are possibly working for the Reapers. You're letting of how you feel about Cerberus' history getting in the way of the facts."

"Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight."

"I still know who I am and I still know what I have to do. And if saving lives means I have to leave those behind not willing to help me do what's right, then be it."

The tremble was back in the commander's fingers despite being tightly wrapped around one another. Her voice had changed with her words, coming of colder and harsher than before. She had stopped breathing for a moment just to start again with slow and even breaths, each carefully considered. EDI had already observed that this was something the commander used to do in stressful situations to remain calm or become calm again. Commander Alenko's face indicated something close to pain although is readings were the same as before. EDI ran another system scan for possible errors. There were none.

"So that's it? You just betray the Alliance? Betray me?"

Betrayal. Noun. The action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery. Considering the definition and Cerberus' status as a hostile to the Systems Alliance as well as the Council, Commander Alenko was right. The separate mention of himself did not fit however, considering he strongly saw himself as part of the Systems Alliance and not a isolated entity.

Shepard swallowed but her gaze was steady, her eyes still on Commander Alenko.

"If I I have to to do what's right, then yes."

"To do what's right. Are you sure you still know what that means?"

"Are you?"

"You've changed but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. I always will be."

"I never considered anything less," Shepard replied, her voice colored by that soft, slow tone EDI had already noticed again. The corner of her mouth twitched for a second, almost as if she would start to smile. It did not fit what was said or the readings. There still was no error in the system.

Commander Alenko's brows knitted together again but before he could say something, Commander Shepard left the parade rest, squaring her shoulders. Her eyes flickered from the other commander to the doctor who was visibly unhappy although she had remained quiet for the whole time. Her behavior did not match the one predicted by her profile. Regarding to her usual reaction to emotional or physical threats to her patients, she should have banned the commander from the med-bay approximately 17.738 Minutes ago.

Dr. Chakwas' eyes found Commander Shepard's and despite not saying anything, the medical expert gave a short nod, still visibly unhappy.

"I'll leave you to Dr. Chakwas now. As soon as the doctor discharges you, feel free to inspect the SR2. If you need anything EDI will assist you, giving you free access to the ship and all data you wish to look at."

"Commander, I'm not sure Operative Lawson will endorse-" EDI began.

"Good thing that Operative Lawson is not the CO of this ship then."

EDI fell silent again. Commander Alenko's frown had not changed.

"I will not stay on board, Shepard."

Annoyance crept into the commander's words when she spoke next. "You've made that perfectly clear. Since we have not reached the Citadel yet and are in the middle of space, however, the only way off the ship is the airlock and I can't recommend that."

Commander Alenko's mouth fell shut, heart rate spiking again, the metal of the bed he sat on slightly creaking under the pressure of his fingers. Commander Shepard swallowed again before hastily turning to leave. When she had reached the entrance she hesitated, throwing a glance over her shoulder.

"Welcome to the Normandy, Kaidan."

Then the door shut behind her.

* * *

**Author's note:**

So here it is, the chapter you all have been asking for. And the one chapter I decided to go all experimental writing from EDI's very clinical (very telling instead of showing) POV. It was really a challenge to write from this perspective, leaving out the understanding of more complex human emotions as well as the knowledge of their true relationship to each other. Favoring either Shepard's or Kaidan's POV would have meant giving too much away and I wanted to try something different. Writing from an still shackled AI's perspective is much harder than I thought ...

This chapter has been bugging me since September and I'm not sure I'm happy how it turned out. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, even if you hate what I did. If you are disapointed because of the lack of drama (well, other than that happening between the lines) be assured that those two will soon clash again (and again) and it won't be pretty ...

Thank you to cellotlix for giving me the idea to write from EDI's POV after being stuck for so long (So, yeah, technically you could totally blame her!)


	13. Chapter 13

**Project Menoetius - then**

There were many ways to break a man and not all of them were physical. It helped, of course, at least in most cases. Although there were some that cling to the physical pain in order to withstand the psychological one. It had taken a while until they'd understood that they were dealing with such a case.

By then he'd already been bruised and bleeding, unresponsive, dancing at the edge of unconsciousness. And yet he was as stubborn and mute as ever, still not showing any kind of resistance. He merely sat in the chair he was strapped to, chin resting on his chest while breathing hard, slowly but steadily dripping blood onto the metal floor. It was infuriating.

He hadn't even flared or tried to shake them off biotically because he knew exactly that this was what they were waiting for. That they were looking for the right buttons to push for him to react and show them the extent of being a L2 biotic. He didn't give them the satisfaction.

Their first assumption had been that he simply had a high tolerance for pain, knowing he was dealing with the consequences of living with a flawed implant and the agony it resulted in. After a while in the hands of a very talented and skilled expert in terms of making people react in a way they wanted to, it became clear that his high tolerance for pain wasn't the problem.

The problem was, that he was using the pain inflicted to him to stay in control. And if there was something Kaidan Alenko was infamous for, something every single one of his superior officers had noted in his file, it was his control.

So it stood to reason that they had to take it first before they would be able to get him where they wanted him to be; a place so desperate he would do anything to get away. They had to break his mind first before anything they'd do to his body would result in any of the reactions they were waiting for.

After hours of trial and error, of studying his file almost religiously, watching the tapes of him over and over again, she had a very good idea how to get him there.

A fraction of a smile ghosted over her lips as soon as the idea began to bloom in her mind. Her fingers were reaching for the button of her comm almost without her being aware of it. Her eyes were still fixed on the man before her, watching his chest rise and fall steadily, knowing that, despite his sorry state, he heard every single word she said even if he couldn't know they would soon be responsible for shattering his world.

"Wilson? Would you be so kind to send me the latest files of Project Lazarus."


	14. Chapter 14

**Kaidan – now**

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

A steady flow of hot water was drumming against his back, slowly loosening some of the tight knots under his skin. He'd tried concentrating on the feeling of water on his skin, something he hadn't felt in god only knew how long, but it just wasn't working. The thoughts whirling through his head made any hope of relaxing even a little bit void.

_Dr. Chakwas' eyes were on his face, trying to catch his. He could feel it while stubbornly staring ahead, ignoring her. The doctor heaved a sigh, clearly unhappy. He could commiserate._

_"You were a bit harsh in the commander, Kaidan."_

_That caught his attention._

_"Was I?" He snapped harsher than he'd intended to. Dr. Chakwas, to her credit, wasn't even batting an eye._

_"You were. It's been a rough few weeks since she woke up. She was not lying, you know. Cerberus did bring her back from the dead."_

_"That's not possible."_

_"They also said a race of gigantic machines lurking in dark space waiting for their chance to kill all sentient life wasn't possible and as far as I remember, they are still cleaning up stray pieces from the one you killed in the lower wards."_

_"Just because one impossible thing happens to be true does not mean all are."_

_"Maybe not but it means you should at least consider that impossible is not always what it seems."_

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

The sensation of the water was strong, as was the cold metal under his palms. His hands were resting against the smooth surface of the shower, partial for support because he didn't fully trust his legs, partial because he needed to feel the cold contrast against his burning skin but couldn't bring himself to turning off the hot water.

_Kaidan's fingers gripped the bed he was sitting on tighter, desperately fighting for control of his thoughts._

_"Is that the reason you're with Cerberus, too?"_

_"I'm not with Cerberus, Kaidan. I'm with Shepard."_

_"Is there a difference?"_

_"You of all people should know there is."_

_The reply on his tongue died with those words. His shoulders sagged slightly. Suddenly all fight left his body, leaving nothing but weariness and fatigue._

_"I just don't know anymore."_

_Dr. Chakwas' voice softened. "I know it's a lot to take in at the moment. Especially in the condition you are in. You shouldn't even be awake right now but sleep through the exhaustion. Here, let me-"_

_He saw the syringe in the corner of his eye and acted on reflex. Before Dr. Chakwas could finish her sentence, he'd already lunged himself from the bed, half jumping and half falling, crashing into one of the small tables the doctor used to store several instruments, yanking it down with him. He barely felt the sharp pain in his hand when he crashed to the ground, eyes still fixed on the syringe in the doctor's hand. The need to get away from it overpowered everything else, the rush in his ears drowning whatever the woman he'd trusted with his life more than once in the past said. She was a threat now. Everything in his body screamed to get away from her, from the thing in her hand, fast. He could feel his biotics crackling over his skin but something felt wrong. Something was off. They were nothing but a whisper, a soft brush of air instead of the strong stream he was so used to. Cold fingers grasped his heart, slowly starting to squeeze as his mind realized what was wrong._

_"My amp. Where is my amp."_

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

His head was bowed, eyes closed, shoulders up, legs parted. Water was running over every inch of his body, washing away the grime of the last few weeks, if not the memories.

_If Dr. Chakwas answered, he couldn't hear it. The static in his ears was drowning out her words while he was fighting for air. The door to the medbay opened and a man vaguely familiar came running in, holding something that looked like clothes in his arms, not quite hiding the treacherous insignia that haunted his nightmares. The man's dark eyes jumped from Dr. Chakwas to Kaidan. His mouth was moving but Kaidan didn't hear a thing. He couldn't breath. He was back with Cerberus, he had no amp, and he couldn't breath. The border of his vision began to blur and darken and he knew he'd soon lose consciousness again, leaving him defenseless against the Cerberus doctor and her drugs …_

_I can't go back, Kaidan thought. I can't-_

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

The steady mantra that usually never failed to calm him was still battling against his still racing heart and the tornado of thoughts whirling through his head, leaving nothing but destruction and pain.

_The dark skinned man was taking a step towards Kaidan but Dr. Chakwas stopped him with her free hand, shaking her head. Slowly she placed the syringe on the still standing table next to her, showing her now empty hands. Then she took a step. Everything in Kaidan screamed to get away from her, that she was still a threat, syringe or not. He needed to get away. He couldn't. He couldn't move. He couldn't breath. He couldn't think. Cold sweat had started running over his body and just now he realized he was shaking. The doctor's empty hands were outstretched before her. Her face was calm as she slowly came closer, mouth moving without making a sound. When he didn't react to anything she was saying, understanding dawned in her face that he couldn't hear her, that his brain was yelling too loud to get away to leave room for more. _

_Dr. Chakwas drew one hand to her body, palm up almost to her chin and then she took a deep breath. She held it for a second before turning her hand and moving it down while breathing out. She had closed her eyes and repeated the movement, again and again. It took Kaidan's panicked brain a few moments to understand what she was doing, what she was saying. That he was hyperventilating, breathing too fast and would soon lose his consciousness if he kept going. The dark edges crept closer and closer so Kaidan decided to block them out completely even if everything in him screamed he should keep his eyes open, to not trust the doctor who'd abandoned the Alliance to work for the terrorists who -_

_"Just breath, Kaidan."_

_Breath._

_"Slow and steady."_

_Breath._

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

Usually he would never stay so long under the shower, at least not while being on a ship in the middle of space. But turning off the shower would mean having to confront everything that was waiting on the other side of the bathroom doors again. He wasn't ready for that.

_He didn't know how long they'd just sat there, breathing together, but he finally managed to calm down enough to banish the darkness threatening his vision. He could still feel himself shaking slightly but mostly he was just tired. As the darkness drained away, so did his will to fight, leaving nothing but exhaustion._

_When he opened his eyes, Dr. Chakwas was sitting in front of him. Her face the same mask of calm he'd seen so often, no matter how stressful or threatening the situation was. It was familiar, reassuring. It was just what he needed._

_"Better?" she asked, voice calm and steady. Kaidan just nodded._

_"Your amp was damaged pretty badly. It had started to burn your skin, threatening to injure your implant. We had to remove it before it could hurt you even worse. Do you understand?"_

_Another nod._

_"You will not need it here, I promise you that. Nobody here will hurt you."_

_Kaidan's eyes flickered to the other man still holding a pile of clothes, watching him with immovable eyes. Still proudly displaying the Cerberus logo on his chest._

_"Nobody here will hurt you, Kaidan." Dr. Chakwas repeated, drawing his attention back to her. "I promise. Have you ever known me to break a promise?"_

_Hesitant he slowly shook his head. The doctor answered with a kind smile._

_"If you don't want to, I will not give you the shot. I will not force you to rest. Okay?"_

_Still not trusting his voice, he gave a curt nod._

_With a final smile Dr. Chakwas got up again. He tried to follow but it took him longer than he'd liked. His legs felt alien and unsteady. When he almost crashed down again, the unknown man started to step forward but stopped in the middle of the movement when he caught Kaidan's expression._

_"Kaidan, this is Jacob Taylor, our Armory Officer. Mr. Taylor, Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko."_

_Before either men could say anything, Dr. Chakwas eyes fell on Kaidan's hand. Following her eyes he realized he'd hurt it while tearing down the tablet with the instruments with him, cutting himself on one of the sharp edges in the progress. Dr. Chakwas heaved another sight._

_"And I had just had you all stitched up."_

_Reaching for her instruments she paused, looking at him. "Will you at least let me treat the wound?"_

_As soon as the words had left her mouth, his heart jumped again._

_"No drugs," he managed to say, every letter feeling like sandpaper against his tongue. Although her face showed clearly what she thought of the idea, Dr. Chakwas nodded, waving her hand to show he should sit back down. When he did without any further protest, she started pulling on a new pair of gloves. Not looking at him she said: "After we're done, Mr. Taylor will show you where the showers are so you can get cleaned up. He has some fresh clothing for you, too. Afterwards you need to eat."_

_Before he could open his mouth to protest, Dr. Chakwas silenced him in the same way she had on the SR1. It was so achingly familiar that his protest died on his tongue._

_"If you do not trust Mr. Gardner's food – and let me tell you that nobody here does and with good reason – you can get some energy bars in the mess, too. This is not up for debate, Kaidan. Understood?"_

_A tired and tiny smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Yes, ma'am."_

_"Good. Now hold still, this will hurt."_

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

The growling of his stomach reminded Kaidan that there were reasons why he should leave the shower. Good reasons even. He was starving. He'd neglected his caloric intake badly and his body reminded him with every movement. It was just a matter of time before a migraine would set in. Even if the thought of eating anything on a Cerberus vessel was enough to make his stomach turn, he knew he was next to useless if he didn't get something inside his belly soon.

Turning off the water, he grabbed one of the towels. The new clothes lay neatly folded on a bench, waiting for him. They were quite similar to standard Alliance BDUs, just in different colors. Instead of different shades of blue they were white, black, and orange, reminding him again whose ship he was on. Halfheartedly he thought about getting back into his other pants before actually looking at them or rather what was left of them. Even he wasn't stubborn enough to get back in the dirty rags after just being clean again. With a sight he started pulling the new garments on, noticing some lose orange threads on the sleeves. Someone had clearly removed something and it didn't take him long to put two and two together, remembering the look of the uniforms he'd seen on some crewmen he'd passed when Mr. Taylor had shown him the showers. Well, at least he wouldn't have to wear the Cerberus logo. Small favors.

_"There you go. Good as new."_

_Kaidan flexed his hand, trying the stability of the bandage._

_"Thanks, doc."_

_Dr. Chakwas just waved it away, silently telling him she was just doing her job. "Just try not to rip it open again while showering."_

_He knew a dismissal when he heared one. Slowly he got up, turning to follow Taylor who'd watched them silently, armes crossed just beneath that dreadful insignia Kaidan was trying very hard to ignore so he wouldn't rip his would open while punching a Cerberus operative. A look at him seemed to tell Taylor that Kaidan wasn't in the mood for small talk so he just nodded his head to the door of the medbay, signaling him to follow. As Kaidan turned to do so, he saw a hand in the corner of his eye and flinched away. It was Dr. Chakwas, hand still in the air but not trying to touch him again.  
_

_"Oh Kaidan. What did they do to you?"_

_It was the sadness in her eyes as much as the genuineness of her voice that got to him, tightening his throat. For a moment he considered answering. Then he turned around, quickly following the Cerberus soldier._

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold.

He wasn't ready to leave the bathroom again, to face all those unfamiliar faces, move among them like they were not the enemy he'd sworn to destroy. The enemy that …

Don't go there, Alenko. Just keep breathing.

Food first and then he'd start planning his next steps. Even if the circumstances had changed, his mission hadn't. Except that now it had …

Kaidan closed his eyes, taking another deep breath, trying not to think about the woman whose ghost had haunted him for two years and who was very much alive somewhere on this very ship.

Don't, Alenko. Just … Just keep breathing.

Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold. Breath in.


End file.
